Crazy, Stupid, Lazy, Cupid (Cupid Inc Book 1) Read online

  NOT READY. SAMARA HURTS.

  “Gosh, yes I am hurting right now.” I said. “I have a lot going on.” A perceptive spirit, who knew?

  Rhonda softened her voice. “I’m sure it’s difficult to accept that you have passed on. However, you cannot stay in this apartment.”

  It moved again.

  DESTINY DANGER

  I gasped. “You know Destiny is in danger? Who is trying to hurt us? Do you know?”

  MURDERER

  I stared at Rhonda. “Someone gave her the sedative, didn’t they? Are they trying to kill her?”

  “Do not break the circle until we’ve finished, whatever happens. Remember?”

  “Okay, but hurry. I need to check on my friend.”

  “Dear spirit. Is Destiny in danger?”

  NO

  “Oh, we’re just being messed around here. Unless it means someone’s destiny, rather than Destiny?” I guessed.

  DESTINY KILLED ME

  My mouth dropped open.

  HUSBAND

  “You’re Destiny’s husband?”

  YES

  “And she murdered you?”

  YES

  My heart thudded in my chest. “Did she poison me?”

  YES

  “Why?”

  The glass flew to each letter.

  REVENGE SAMARA WITHERNSEA REBECCA

  “What?” I shouted. “What do you mean? You want me to get revenge against Rebecca? Or Destiny did it as revenge against me for Rebecca? Can you be clearer?”

  I SEE THE LIGHT NOW

  “Nooooo. Don’t go. I need you to tell me more.”

  “No, Samara.” Rhonda raised her voice. “It’s his time. Move towards it, Jim. We will see that your messages are passed on and investigated. We hope you find peace.”

  The candle blew out.

  “He’s gone. Now we close the circle.”

  Rhonda said some words of protection and then she unwrapped the tape, placing the shards of glass on the board. She went in her bag and took out the hammer and smashed the shards into tiny pieces.

  “It is done.”

  “Now what do we do? We have a spirit’s word that Destiny is a killer.”

  “Call Marcus.”

  Pulling my phone from my bag, I dialed his number.

  “Hello.”

  “Are you still around? Only I have fresh information.”

  “You have a witness?”

  “Erm, not exactly. It was a spirit in my apartment, but now it’s passed on.”

  A sigh came down the line. “I’ll be there in around thirty minutes.”

  I spent part of that thirty minutes pacing my apartment. Rhonda had needed to leave to get back to her husband. I’d watched from the window as she got into the taxi I insisted on sending for and paying for so I could be assured she was safe. Shit, I needed to let everyone know. Wait until you’ve seen Marcus, then act. I told myself. I realised I’d never contacted Shelley for a protection spell. What was wrong with me? I’d spent all night in Destiny’s apartment. She could have bumped me off! What was her connection with Rebecca? I had so many questions running through my mind.

  My phone rang. DESTINY showed on screen. Oh shit, oh Christ.

  I answered.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey, babes. I was just wondering if you were planning to stay over again tonight because if so there’s no point in me laundering those covers.”

  “Oh, no, it’s okay. Rhonda got rid of the spirit. Actually, I think the stress of it all is bringing on a migraine. I might have to pass. Maybe tomorrow?”

  “What spirit? What are you talking about, Samara?”

  Oh fuck. I’d not told her about him.

  “Did I say spirit? I meant Rhonda had been round this afternoon and drank the last of my whiskey, cheeky bitch. I think she’s alcoholic or something.”

  “Oh, right. Okay. Well, I hope you feel better soon. I’m probably better off resting up myself anyway. Right, I’m going back to bed. I’ll see you at school on Monday, okay?”

  “Sure. See you then.”

  I ended the call and breathed a huge sigh of relief. “Come on, Marcus. Hurry up and get here.”

  Spotting the tiny glass shards that Rhonda had swept into the dustpan, I decided to put them in the recycling so I could be physically and psychologically free of the spirit. Destiny was in bed so I knew I’d be okay to pop outside for the two minutes it would take me. I walked down the steps, out of the building and round to the fenced off area containing the recycle bins. As I emptied the glass into the bin it felt the right thing to say a small goodbye to Jim.

  “Jim. Thank you for visiting and hopefully you can find peace very soon.”

  “Secret assignations with another person’s husband are frowned upon, you know?” A familiar voice came from the back of me. She didn’t sound so sleepy after all. I turned around slowly.

  “Destiny! What are you doing up when you’re not well? And what are you talking about, husbands? Are you sleepwalking?” I tried to walk past her, but she grabbed me by the hair and I saw a flash of silver in her hand. Fuck, she had a knife.

  “The only person walking around dreaming here is you, sweetheart, if you think I’m falling for any more of this shit. Now what did Jim say?”

  “Would you believe me if I told you he said to pass on how much he loved you and that you should be extra nice to me because I’m very kind?”

  The tightening of her hand in my hair showed me that the answer was no.

  “Let’s go.” She said, pulling me towards the back of the bins.

  “He didn’t say why you were targeting me. I don’t get it. Why me?” I tried stalling her.

  “This is all down to you. All of it.” Oh Lord, I was making her angrier.

  “Erm, sorry?”

  “God, you’ve no clue, have you? Do you remember standing in the middle of a park about eleven years ago serenading people with love poetry?”

  My brow creased.

  “Kind of. I was under the Cupid influence though, so some of it is hazy.”

  “Is that so? Well, my boyfriend was there, and he got caught up in your little haze. Then the next thing I know he’s telling me he’s in love with a policewoman.”

  “Handsy? Your husband was Handsy?” Now the SAMARA HURTS made more sense. I’d punched him.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “The bloke I shot with my Cupid arrow had been feeling me up. I shot him because he emitted a single tingle. So did the policewoman. Sorry, but it was like being desperate to sneeze. The Cupid in me was running amok, so I shot them both. Cupid Inc told me they’d been a match. That I was lucky.”

  “You were lucky? I’d just started dating Jim and the next thing he’s telling me is he’s in love with this PC. Well that wasn’t happening so a little accident had to befall her, didn’t it? That broke your little matchmake. Don’t follow up on all your cases, do you?”

  I hadn’t. I’d been so pleased to get away from being arrested, I’d ignored them. Had people died because of me?

  “So me and Jim got married. Except he still kept talking about the bloody policewoman. All our married life. How he didn’t know how Gisele could have just disappeared on him like that. That she must be out there somewhere. Two years ago, I just snapped. I smacked him with one of his African masks. It hit him in the neck. Killed him straight off. I dragged the bastard into a river one night. He was fucking wet behind the ears, I figured he may as well stay somewhere with water. Then I started looking for you. The police investigating my husband as a missing person presumed he’d run off with Gisele. I’d made up some evidence that pointed in that direction. They thought she’d obviously found a place for them to run away to. I asked if they could tell me the name of the person who’d been singing in the park. The one who’d complained about Jim, so I could apologise on his behalf. I made out the guilt was eating me alive. The copper felt so sorry for me. Idiot.

  And that name was Samara Carver.
It took me a while, but I tracked you all the way to Withernsea where I ended up having quite the little chat with a Rebecca Wilkins who told me you were about to start Cupid school. I wasn’t lying when I said I hacked the database. I hacked the whole computer. Made myself a whole new identity and alias and put myself right in the class alongside you. It was perfect that you’d been separated from your husband by Cupid Inc. I was going to make sure it stayed that way. I was going to steal Johnny from you, so you could know how it felt.”

  I snorted. As if. Then I realised what I’d done as she began dragging me by the hair again.

  “You bitch.”

  “Owww.”

  “Samara. Samara, is that you?”

  I looked up to find the woman from the park a few feet away from me. Destiny’s hand was still in my hair and her knife was pushed against my back. I had to be very careful.

  “Susan?”

  “Yes. Oh you recognise me. Good. I spotted you ladies from across the street. I was just about to go into the park and then I saw you. Are you practising for your show?”

  “That’s right.” I said, fluttering my eyelashes at her desperately. “Destiny is pretending I’m a puppet. That’s why her arm is holding my hair and her other is at my back. Then I throw my voice like this you see, “Gottle of geer, gottle of geer,” came out somewhere near Destiny’s right side.

  “Oh, that’s so clever.” Susan said, coming closer. I carried on batting and fluttering my eyelashes and hoped it wasn’t going to cause a seizure. Why was she ignoring me? She should be going for help, not coming closer, the silly cow.

  “Can you do it with me?” Susan said.

  “Do what?” Destiny’s voice was like cold steel.

  “She knows I’m training to be a ventriloquist here at this magic school.” I said slowed down so Destiny understood it was a crock of shit. “She wants me to act like she’s the puppet.”

  “Well, we’ve not got time. The show starts soon. Last one too.” Oh God, Destiny’s meaning was all too clear.

  “Oh please. I love impersonation and magic. Just once quickly.” Susan begged, “then I’ll be off and leave you ladies to it.”

  “God, okay. Quickly.” Destiny let me go and before she could even blink, Susan raised her leg and knocked the knife straight out of her hand before coming back around and cracking another leg across her face knocking Destiny clean out.

  I stood there speechless.

  “That’s why I’m the main neighbourhood watch.” Susan said. “As I got closer, I thought you were having an altercation of some kind. You looked very frightened. I’ve seen a lot of crime around here. Too much actually. I suspected she’d got a weapon pointed behind you. It’s all in the stance.”

  “Susan, you’re amazing. I can’t thank you enough.”

  “Also, I’m a really nosy git and I know that school is for matchmaking not ventriloquism. I’m sorry for embarrassing you on Facebook, but you were saying strange things to your dog. Anyway, the why of that is your business. I’ve learned that maybe I need to just rein in my neighbourhood observations a little.”

  “No. I think you’re perfect just as you are.” I stepped closer and hugged this woman who had no doubt saved my life.

  At that point Marcus’ car turned up, along with a police car behind. He got out. “I tried to ring you. When I didn’t get an answer, I figured it was prudent to involve the police.”

  I nodded. “My phone’s in my flat. There’s the woman you need, unconscious. I’ll fill you in at the station, I guess.”

  Susan was standing with a foot resting on a knocked-out Destiny. She held out a hand to the policeman who’d just joined us. “Susan Meyer. Kensington neighbourhood watch, Main Co-ordinator. Shall I perform a citizen’s arrest?”

  “That won’t be necessary, Madam, though if you could also accompany us back to the station with Mrs Leighton it would be appreciated.”

  Well, I’d never thought if I ended up in a police car I’d be the innocent party. The surprises just kept on coming today.

  Samara

  It took the rest of the evening to be interviewed and to complete statements. Finally, at around ten pm, I was told I could go. Marcus met me outside the interview room.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’ve been better, but at least this business with ‘Destiny’ is over now.”

  “Yes, Destiny, or Mrs Janine Green as she is actually known won’t be seeing the outdoors for a considerable period of years, if ever, depending on what the rest of our investigations bring up. Did they tell you that she kept the sedative in that locket around her neck? That’s how she was able to act so quickly.”

  “No they didn’t. God, I even said I liked that locket.”

  “Look, I had a word at Headquarters. They’ve given you permission to go home for the weekend. Be back Sunday night ready to be in school at nine am, Monday.”

  “Home? As in Withernsea, home?

  “Yep.” He smiled.

  I threw my arms around him. “Oh my. Thank you. Thank you so much. But…” I bit my top lip. “Will there even be transport at this time?”

  “I’m driving you straight to the station. I figured you’ve all you need at home and don’t need any belongings. Train is at seven minutes past eleven. Takes two-and-a-half hours to Hull. I’ve arranged a taxi to pick you up from there and drive you right to the door of your home. You’ll need to organise getting back. Headquarters weren’t happy with a £65 pre-paid taxi bill but hey ho.”

  I hugged him again.

  “Thank you, Marcus. You can’t believe how happy you’ve made me.”

  “Do you have some cash on you?”

  “Yes.” They’d allowed me to collect my phone, bag, and coat before I’d been taken to the police station.

  “Good, get yourself a glass of wine on the train.”

  And so it was that just after two am, I arrived back to my own home, where the husband I’d only said goodbye to not twenty-four hours before opened the door and swept me off my feet and into the bedroom. We told no one I was back and stayed holed up for the entire weekend while we both recovered from our ordeals and got re-acquainted.

  On Sunday morning my phone beeped.

  Ebony: I know you’re here. I got a vision of you exiting a taxi. I’ve also had one that you’ll be seeing Rebecca on Monday morning in school. Thought I’d give you a heads up. No doubt your head’s been busy going down ;)

  Samara: I’ll catch you up on things next week. It’s been a nightmare, but hopefully things are about to change for the better.

  Ebony: Okies. Xoxo

  So I had to see that bitch on Monday did I? Her and my father in one day. I must have broken a lot of mirrors at some point in my life.

  Samara

  SECOND WEEK OF TRAINING SCHOOL

  Monday 29 October 2018

  I knocked and walked into the Principal’s office on Monday morning to find Cupid himself sat behind the desk. Sitting in chairs around it were Martine, Max, Rebecca, and Jessica.

  “Good morning, Samara. Please take a seat.”

  I walked slowly over to the spare seat between Jessica and the window and sat down without saying a word. I just nodded at everyone. My mouth was shut until I knew what was happening.

  Cupid began speaking.

  “In light of recent events, I’ve decided we all needed to sit down together and thrash a few things out. Now to be honest, some of what I’m having to do here, for example sorting out a cat fight,” he looked from me to Rebecca, “is not something I would normally involve myself in. However, it’s all connected with other Cupid Inc business, so here I am.”

  He looked down at a sheet of paper.

  “Things will be changing around Cupid Incorporated. You already know we were in the process of an overhaul but this is now going to be quite a huge endeavor. The first thing I want to inform you of is that Mr Carver will no longer be the Principal of this school.”

  I gasped.

  Cupid looked a
t me. “I interviewed Principal Carver over the weekend, and we agreed his tenure here was at an end. He has taken early retirement and will only now be doing the bare minimum of Cupiding that keeps the gene from going awry. Now, Miss Ortiz. I am very impressed with how you have been leading your classes for the last few years and I would like to offer you the position of Principal.” He raised his hand at her shocked face. “We shall speak more after the meeting. I don’t need a decision now. Moving onto my second big announcement. I am moving funds into investigating the gene and whether it can be controlled for those in the familial line who do not wish to Cupid. I cannot know if there will be any success with this, but a research project—obviously conducted under a high level of security—will be undertaken.”

  “So I could choose not to Cupid anymore? If it was successful?”

  “Yes or take a break. I’m looking at something that might provide options. I have enough children and their offspring to be confident there will always be some Cupiding in the family. Anyway, this could be a long way off, so don’t count on it, Samara.”

  I nodded.

  “Now, the overhaul of Cupid Inc. We had been in the process of rolling out a system that worked alongside dating agencies. Where we were given ‘leads’ as it were from agencies of their undateables, to help increase our figures.

  Rebecca grinned, looking smugly at us all.

  “I thought this a marvellous idea. It was good of you to bring Charlene Landry’s idea to me, Rebecca.”

  I watched the colour drain away from Rebecca’s face. Take that, bitch.

  Max winked at me and then looked at his sister and smirked. She narrowed her eyes at him.

  “Children, please.” Said Cupid.

  “I don’t care where the idea from, just that it was brought to my attention. It is a good idea and I’ve been looking at your assignments and suggestions too, Samara. This is what is going to be happening at Cupid Inc. There will be a range of different roles. Some Cupids, like Rebecca, prefer the point and shoot way. Rebecca is thorough in who she matches up and as long as she sticks to doing her Cupid math and checking the database, that’s fine with me.”