Crazy, Stupid, Lazy, Cupid (Cupid Inc Book 1) Read online

  Take that you interfering bitch.

  BOOM.

  I jumped a foot in the air. Jesus, the spirit was back! A mist cleared and a woman appeared through it. Oh. It was her. Fate.

  “Hello, Samara.”

  “Good afternoon, Fate. So you heard my father’s plea?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Puh. I have no interest in what your father says. I answer to none of these lower grades. I am Fate. Things are coming to their ultimate conclusion, Samara. You need to see this journey through and your future shall be revealed. That is, unless my brother, Chance, decides to throw a spanner in the works, which he does from time to time. So be vigilant. It is indeed time for your husband to return to human form. I am sorry I had to change him, but it was the only way to get you on this trajectory. Now listen when I say I have my own plans for your father. Leave him to me, child.”

  “They said Johnny had to return to Withernsea. If it’s all down to you ultimately, why are you keeping us separated?”

  She smiled. “It’s so beautiful to see one so in love. Your work here is not yet done and Johnny would prove a distraction. He must leave you for a short time. But that is all it is. A matter of weeks, not months. Take care, Samara. Enjoy your evening.” She winked and was gone and on the floor in front of the sofa laid my very naked, very human husband.

  He was back. I threw myself at him. He emitted a girly scream and kicked out, knocking me off him and onto the hard floor.

  “Ow.”

  “Samara? What the hell? Sorry, I was asleep.” He began to sit up. “I’ve been having the maddest dreams that I was a dog. They felt so real.” He helped me up onto the sofa and then he realised he was naked and somewhere he’d not been before.

  “Sam?”

  “Yup?”

  “The last I remember was being in our flat in Withernsea and now we’re somewhere I don’t recognise and I’m completely naked. Care to explain?”

  What I wanted to do was sit astride him and ride the glorious cock my eyes couldn’t stop looking at, but I guessed I was going to have to wait until my husband was oriented to his surroundings. I began to fill him in on his missing period of time.

  “So I’ve been a dog? A pet dog?” Johnny looked horrified. “Did I eat poop and lick my own genitals?”

  “No,” I lied. “They must have not put all the dog qualities in you, just some.”

  “Oh thank God.” He leaned closer to kiss me.

  “You might want to go to the bathroom to freshen up though. You’ve been running around in muddy gardens and eating cold chips.”

  “Okay. I’ll be back soon. Erm, where’s the bathroom?” I directed him and sat back, watching that glorious nakedness that was all mine. My poor husband looked shell-shocked. I would have brought out some alcohol but I didn’t know if he still had drugs in his system, so thought it best to leave well alone. It began to dawn on me that Johnny might not be in the mood for nookie with these revelations. I felt my mouth droop into a pout.

  Then my husband came out of the bathroom, holding his erect cock in his hand.

  “Well, it would appear a certain member is complaining about not having been near his wife for quite a while.” A look of horror came over him. “It hasn’t, has it?”

  “No, absolutely not. UGH.”

  “Phew.” Johnny said. “Look, I know we’ve lots to talk about, but-”

  I silenced him with a kiss as I pulled him down on top of me on the sofa.

  My husband’s hands trailed up my body. Hands. Hurrah! I was exploding with lust and wanting to burst into tears at the same time. Johnny was back. Back. Yes, he had to leave tomorrow and we would be apart for a short while but at least I could have phone sex with him. At least he could be a vet again and be a human.

  I rained down kisses all over him.

  “Johnny, I love you so goddamn much.”

  “Right back at you, wife.”

  As his thick length entered me and I quivered with delight, I allowed myself to get lost in the moment. No matter what came next (and I seriously hoped it was me), at least I had my husband back.

  Seeing as he was having to make peace with the fact he’d been a pooch, he didn’t find it strange that we had to keep all the lights off and have only the streetlight for company. “Suits me. There’s no way I’m sharing you with another man tonight. He needs to know I’m the only light in your life.”

  I groaned and we laughed. God, it was good to have him back. Even if only for a short while.

  Awakening in the early hours of the morning in our bed, Johnny wrapped me inside his silky-skinned muscly arms and pulled me close. “So I have to leave? You sure I can’t just go and punch your father in the nose?”

  “I’d like that, but it’s better that I do this properly. Fate says this is the path to our future. I’ll do whatever I need to do to keep us together, Johnny. So believe me when I say we aren’t staying apart for long. But you be getting your business back in order and keep an eye on the grooming salon. You can also spy on Rebecca. Make sure she’s not causing trouble on my patch.”

  Johnny kissed my forehead. “I hate us having to be apart, but I did sign up for better for worse, so at nine am, I’ll be in that taxi, but know that I really don’t want to be anywhere but with you. I love you, Samara.”

  Reaching out, I stroked his cheek. “I love you too, Johnny. I don’t want us to be apart either. At least we can talk now, and I don’t have to try to communicate with you with commands.”

  “Oh I don’t know. I quite like the idea of you commanding me.” He winked. “So, wife, it’s five am. Do you want to go back to sleep?”

  I answered him by wrapping my hand around his cock.

  At nine am, I’d kissed my husband goodbye and waved him off back to Withernsea. After lying in bed for an hour feeling sorry for myself at being alone again, I showered, ate some breakfast, and got ready to go out. Rhonda wasn’t coming until after three pm and I needed some fresh air. I’d got used to walking several times a day and I needed to stretch my legs seeing as they’d spent several hours wrapped around my husband’s back.

  As I reached the path that led towards the park I found Marcus doing stretches outside the block.

  “Lame.” I said and began walking.

  He caught up to me. “What is?”

  “Your being here under the guise of what? Jogging? The Cupid PI is hanging around. Gym kit or not, it doesn’t take a genius to work out you’re doing surveillance.”

  “So, I saw Johnny left okay.”

  “Yep, so if you were here to make sure, how come you didn’t leave after he did?”

  “Where are you off to?”

  “I’m going for a walk around the park if you’re following me.”

  “I wasn’t, but I will do. Actually, I was just doing general surveillance to see if anyone acts suspicious near the apartments, only Destiny was drugged last night.”

  I swung around to stare at him. “What?”

  “She’s fine, don’t worry. She’d invited some of your fellow students around for a movie and pizza night, and halfway through started feeling drowsy. Max knew what had been happening so he ran her straight to A&E. It was the same sleeping tablets.”

  “I wish whoever it was would send a note or something saying why they’re doing it. I don’t understand.”

  “Yeah, me neither. But I’m working on a few angles. You might see me around more than usual this week.”

  “Oooh, any excuse to get near Martine.”

  He blushed. He actually blushed. I gripped his arm.

  “I’m sorry, Marcus. I shouldn’t be taking the piss out of you for your mega obvious crush on my tutor. Just ask her out already will you?”

  “We’re not allowed to date in-house. Plus, I don’t date while I’m working a case. It could distract me.” He said. “Anyway, do you fancy a bacon butty because I’m starving?”

  Marcus turned out to be a really nice guy and a laugh. He told me about how he’d managed to get a jo
b at Cupid Inc after being hired to follow Cupid. A woman had reported Cupid as a stalker, not realising he’d been trying to set her up with the pop star she’d been crushing on and following around for ages. He said the woman couldn’t see the irony of reporting a stalker when she’d been one herself, but all had ended well and she was now happily married to the guy whose posters had adorned her teenage bedroom walls. Cupid had offered Marcus a job and he loved working for the company. He said it gave him hope that one day he’d find the love of his own life.

  “You have. You just won’t do anything about it.” I raised a brow.

  “This conversation is closed. At least until we find out who is giving students sedatives and why.”

  I wiped my mouth. “Right, I’d better go to see Destiny and make sure she’s okay.”

  “I’ll come with you. I might think of a few more questions while you’re girly chatting.”

  “Erm, okay.”

  I didn’t really want him coming with me to see Destiny because while I did indeed want to see how she was, I had wanted to share a little of how my reunion with my husband had gone. Come on, Samara. All your safety is more important, I tried to mentally encourage myself; but I couldn’t help it, I just kept returning to thoughts of Johnny’s cock.

  “Samara. God, am I glad to see you.” Destiny threw her arms around me. “It happened to me. One of our class is doing this. I’m telling you it’s Max.”

  “So what makes you think it’s him?” Marcus said, stepping out from the side of Destiny’s front door. Her face dropped in shock. “Mr Delaney, I didn’t know you were coming back.”

  I met Samara outside this morning and brought her up to date. I’ve followed her here as I figured maybe between you, you might be able to shed some light on who could be doing this.

  “Erm, okay. Well are you both coming in? I can make some coffees.”

  “That sounds great, thank you.” With that Marcus pushed past and went inside. I shrugged my shoulders at a bewildered Destiny. “No idea. I think he’s bored. We need to get him set up with Martine fast.”

  “You two girls sit down. I’ll make the drinks if you point me in the direction of everything.” Marcus said. Destiny showed him where everything was.

  “He’s so snooping in the cabinets.” I said smirking. “Let him.” Destiny replied. “I’m too tired and washed out to care.”

  “So what happened?” I asked, aware that Marcus had an ear very close to the doorway.

  “Because I knew you were going to be busy, I thought I’d invite people for pizza. I didn’t feel like being on my own and I figured even their company was better than none at all, so I got an action flick and invited the same people around as before. I’ll be honest, I didn’t think to be nervous about sedation because I thought they were after you. Then just as the film was ending I began to feel tired. I just put it down to a busy day. I remember my legs feeling heavy and that was the last I knew until I woke up in the hospital.”

  “This is getting scary.”

  “I know. Anyway it was just a sedative, but the thing is, it’s like this person wants us to know they have the power to poison us or something.”

  Marcus came out with three drinks. “But why do you think it could be Max? Didn’t he drive you to the hospital?”

  “Exactly. What better way to show your supposed innocence than by looking like you are trying to help? He’s Rebecca Wilkin’s brother. The Rebecca who hates Samara. I think she’s asked him to play tricks on us or something. Just generally getting us nervous. I bet they’re on the phone to each other now laughing.”

  Destiny started crying.

  “Oh, Destiny. Shush.” I put my arm around her and patted her hair. “You really don’t need this on top of everything else. Why don’t you go lie down and we’ll leave? Tonight, I’ll come round and we can have a girly night. I’ll bring some nail polishes and face masks.” I got up to leave. “Come on, Marcus.”

  “But I just made us a drink.”

  “We’re leaving.”

  “God, you’re so bossy. Bye, Destiny. You have my card if you think of anything else.”

  Destiny nodded. “Thank you, Marcus; and yes, a girly night sounds great, Samara. I’ll see you later. About eight?”

  “Sounds fab.” I gave her a kiss on the cheek and then we left. I said goodbye to Marcus at the entrance to my own block and left him to his investigation.

  After going food shopping, I returned to the apartment and did a quick clean and tidy. Before I knew it, it was three pm and a knock on the door indicated the arrival of Rhonda.

  “Come in, Rhonda. Thanks so much for doing this for me.” I took in the tiny, sparrow-like woman, with her pale skin and dark hair. I wondered if she’d be up for a makeover? A few highlights and some bronzer and she might look like she had a heartbeat.

  “No problem. I’ll start in the living room if that’s okay?”

  “Sure. Would you like a drink?”

  “A water would be nice.”

  I was fixing the drink when she came into the kitchen behind me. Turning around, I found her holding a hammer aloft, with duct tape in her other hand.

  I’d done it again. I really must get it into my head that SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO HARM ME.

  “Err, do you still want your water?” I smiled hopefully.

  Samara

  “Oh, I’ve no hands free right now. Could you just put it me on the side?” She said.

  My serial killer was polite if nothing else.

  “Right, could you get me the broken pieces of the tumbler you smashed?”

  “Pardon?” Oh my god was she going to torture me with glass shards before she bludgeoned me to death?

  “I need to stick them back together with tape to dismiss the spirit properly. You didn’t throw them out, did you?”

  “Stick them with tape?”

  “I don’t have any glue, sorry. I stopped using it because I kept sticking my fingers together. A&E got fed up of me.”

  She stood there waiting.

  Duct tape the shards? I wasn’t sure about the hammer’s future use, but… SHE WASN’T TRYING TO KILL ME. HURRAH!

  I stood there, breathing a sigh of relief.

  “They’re wrapped in some kitchen roll on the side. Luckily, I’d not got around to taking them to the recycle bin yet. If you want to go back to the living room, I’ll bring them through.”

  I passed her over her drink of water with a shaky hand.

  “Oh, don’t be nervous. I know what I’m doing.”

  I didn’t tell her my body was still buzzing with the adrenaline of having feared for its life.

  Once back in the living room, she knelt on my rug, so I knelt next to her. She began to tape the glass shards back together.

  “I know it’s a pretty shoddy effort but it will work.”

  “Okay. So I thought you said only serial killers carried hammers and duct tape?”

  She laughed. “I thought that when I bought them on my way here. Maybe I’ve been ruling out DIY-ers all this time?”

  “Well, I guess it’s best to err on the side of caution.”

  She quickly glanced at me. “Oh God, when I came into the kitchen with them…” She collapsed laughing. “No wonder you were shaking.”

  “Well, I did wonder for a minute if you were about to go psycho on me.”

  She giggled again. Seemed I’d taken Rhonda at face value and she was actually an okay girl. That was one lesson I was learning that was not on the school timetable. To get to actually know a person and take time to do so. I had matchmade other people and took care that they were happy together. That should extend to people I met in general, instead of presuming anyone who looked strange must be strange. Wow, look at me. I was growing up and learning shit.

  “Now, I noticed you’ve not replaced the bulb yet.”

  “Yeah, I thought the spirit would just keep popping them. I’ve bought some new ones, but last night I stayed in the dark except for the street lamps. The spirit wa
s communicating by candlelight so I daren’t even light a candle.”

  “Well, we’re going to light one now. Can you draw the curtains together?” Rhonda went in her bag and brought out an official looking Ouija board, a candle, and some matches. “I always wanted to use this board but never got the opportunity before.”

  “You never used it before?”

  “No, but I know how. Relax.”

  Oh yeah, relax while we invite a spirit into your home for a chat.

  She placed the Ouija board out on top of the rug and then put the tape ridden glass in the centre. Next, she lit the candle and placed it on the coffee table. Then she held out her hand towards mine. “Whatever happens. You must not break this circle. Otherwise you could invite untold demons into this realm.”

  I nodded furiously. All spirits gone. Got it. I’d even drink up my bottle of whiskey later just to be on the safe side.

  I took her hand and then we placed a fingertip of our other hands on the glass.

  Rhonda spoke. “Dear spirit who visited the other evening. Are you there?”

  As we waited, I spoke. “Why is it bursting my lights anyway?”

  “It was the last thing you said to it remember? Something about finding the light.”

  Oh great, I had a spirit who was thick as pig shit in my flat.

  A minute or so passed and I was starting to feel uncomfortable holding Rhonda’s hand for so long near candlelight. It felt more like a tantric sex session than a seance. Then the candle began to flicker and wax ran down quickly onto the table spelling out HELP ME once more.

  “I am here to help you.” Rhonda spoke to the atmosphere. “But please communicate through the board. What is your name?”

  The glass began to drag across the board. It kept getting a little stuck with the tape, but it began spelling out a name.

  JIM

  “Jim. Thank you for telling me your name. I am Rhonda and this is Samara. Now, we are here to help you move on to the next realm. There should be a bright light for you to follow and move towards. Not a light bulb or candlelight, but a spiritual light. Do you see it?”