Phwoar and Peace Read online

  PHWOAR AND PEACE

  Supernatural Dating Agency Book Six

  Andie M. Long

  Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Epilogue

  Crazy, Stupid, Lazy, Cupid

  About the Author

  Also by Andie M. Long

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

  No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  Copyright (c) 2018 by Andrea Long

  All rights reserved.

  Cover by J.C. Clarke. Photo from Adobe Stock.

  This book is dedicated to Withernsea.

  Satan

  Satan mark one - resurrected

  Since they had vanquished me, I’d been in a state of nothingness. I existed, but I didn’t. Like being in a black room, with no sounds, and spending 99.9% of time asleep.

  Then something had changed. Like the spark of a pilot light, a tiny glow filled the black space. I didn’t know how, but I could detect I was nothing but a tiny collection of dark matter. Thoughts and images began to fill the void.

  I saw a vision of Shelley bloody Landry. She was under the sea by the looks of it. I saw a bride run off with, was that Simon Cowell? And then I saw Shelley tell her sister to ‘Go get your man’.

  Ha!

  She had made a binding deal with me that she wouldn’t match-make anyone supernatural and here she had just broken it. For Drake was a supe and at her words Polly and Drake moved towards each other, kissed, and got together.

  Ha!

  But now what? I was back, but not much use in this state. They had filled my previous position as Satan after they had vanquished me, so what did I do next?

  More images came into view as the dark matter I was developed sight. I was in Beached, the restaurant where I had been vanquished. It made sense I would return to the same spot.

  I felt myself called toward the farmhouse. Images and information swept into me, causing my ball of energy to enlarge slightly.

  As I hovered outside of the farmhouse window, I saw the small top window was open and I swept inside. Oh dear. Looked like any wards Shelley had put up to keep the family safe didn’t work against a ball of something unidentifiable. What a shame! Moving into the living room, images swept into me of the werewolf giving birth. Wow, it was the woman I’d tried to incinerate from the inside out. She’d given birth to werebabies no less. I assessed the newborns. Too young. I couldn’t take over them.

  But I learned of a husband who remained in fear of supernatural beings, and what was that? He had a fear of being possessed? Oh how ironic.

  I plucked the address of Mark Linley from his wife’s mind and moved on to an address in Hull.

  It was so kind of Mark to also have left a window open. Once I took over his body, I realised it was one of his wife’s pet hates. Always opening windows, even when it was freezing cold outside. I needed to practice walking in this middle-aged body. My last one, the vampire Reuben’s, had been a lot more aesthetically pleasing. I vowed to join a gym first thing in the morning. This getting Withernsea back under my rule was not to be rushed; my evil plans would have to stay on the down low until the time was right to make my move. I couldn’t take Withernsea back if I couldn’t run to the bus stop without collapsing.

  I walked over to the window and closed it firmly. Wouldn’t want to annoy my little wifey. It had been a while since I’d got some. Mrs Debbie Linley was in for a devil of a time and one hell of a ride with her new hot husband…

  Shelley

  “Theo, I don’t know about getting the bed-and-breakfast open soon, with the amount of people we have here, I think you are already up and running, albeit not being paid.”

  After the events of the day I could have done with a hot bath and an early night with a good book, and yes, I said book. However, I had come home to find my best friend on my best sofa where she promptly soaked it in amniotic fluid before birthing her triplet cubs. She never did do things by halves. Right now, I had the new mom, daughter, two sons, and a brand-new overprotective alpha werewolf father in my living room; my adoptive mother, and my daughter in the kitchen; and my sister and her boyfriend had disappeared upstairs, most likely to do things I didn’t want to visualise.

  “Yes, indeed. I think this week I will finalise all my plans for the bed-and-breakfast to get it open as soon as possible. That way the rooms will hopefully be full to capacity, and will therefore prevent half of our family and friends in Withernsea from turning up here every five seconds.”

  “If it’s okay with you, Theo, I will go to your office to order a new sofa. Once Kim and Darius finally leave, if you could use that special vampire speed to whizz my now ruined sofa off to the tip, I’ll steam the carpet.”

  I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to sit in my living room again without the harrowing image of my best friend's vajajay hurtling into my mind. I’d come to expect the unexpected with Kim, but on this occasion she had surpassed herself. It was only the fact that I now had three new babies I could cuddle that meant I’d forgive her for ruining my best sofa. With Charlene’s rapid growth I’d not been able to enjoy much of the baby stage, so with any luck if I could get past the new father I’d be able to have lots of baby cuddles.

  The kitchen door opened and my adoptive mum walked through into the hallway. “I’m going to make my way home now, Shelley, as your dad has just called to tell me he’s cooked dinner. I should’ve threatened him with divorce 15 years ago. He said again how he wants to get to know all of you better, but given he has only recently threatened to out all supernaturals, he understands it will take you a while to trust him. So in the meantime he's leaving it for me to pave the way.”

  She wasn’t kidding. It was going to take more than one message through my mother to believe Mark Linley had suddenly changed his ways. Right now, I had other priorities.

  As she stood in the doorway, Debbie turned back to me, “Say goodbye to Polly for me. It was a shame her headache came on like that. I hope Drake is looking after her properly. Anyway, I’ll be off. After tea, I have all my selfies with Simon Cowell to show the neighbours.”

  Thank God the photos would just appear to have been taken in an elaborate building and that the water didn't show on photos. Closing the door behind her, I let out a large sigh. I decided I needed a large cup of Jax’s coffee before I did anything else. Even ordering the new sofa would have to wait while I sat at my kitchen table and took five. Charlie was already sitting there. She took one look at my face, jumped up, and switched the kettle on while getting the coffee and a mug out of the cupboard.

  “It was a bit selfish of Auntie Polly to disappear upstairs with Drake. It’s not like any of us believed she truly had a headache. We all know she's gone upstairs to shag his brains out.”

  “Charlie! Watch your language.”

  “
Oh come on, Mum. You need to have a word with her. It’s not fair leaving us to have to put up with Debbie.” She finished making me a coffee and placed it in front of me at the table. “I’m going up to my room now. It’s been a long day, and I need to ring Alyssa to see what’s going down with her and the barista.”

  There was a roar from the living room. The door rattled on its hinges and an angry alpha male thundered into the kitchen.

  “Charlie, what’s this about someone going down on my sister?” He looked ready to rip off heads.

  “Darius, that’s not what she said. Charlie is going to ring Alyssa to see what’s going down with her and Bartholomew, the barista.” I was going to get a headache if I rolled my eyes any more today.

  A tumultuous growl rattled the kitchen windows.

  “Mum, I don’t think that’s helping.” She looked at Darius. “Don’t worry, nothing is going on between them. Alyssa just has a girl crush, like a teen thing. Anyway, once she knows she has a new niece and two nephews, she should be far too busy for boys.”

  With this, Darius visibly relaxed. His shoulders dropped away from his ears and he let out a large exhale. “Sorry, some kind of biological protection mode seems to have set in making me some kind of supercharged alpha. I apologise if I have broken even more furniture or doors.”

  “I’ll get you a coffee, Darius.” Charlie said.

  “Forget that.” Theo told her, coming into the kitchen. “Darius, let me get you a beer to celebrate and wet the babies heads.”

  “So I push three babies out of my hooha and he gets alcohol? Get back in here, Darius Wild, this instant.” Kim's voice echoed off the walls.

  “Looks like I’m going to have to wait. Raincheck, though?”

  “Sure.” Theo replied.

  “Yeah, raincheck until the kids have left home, mate. No way are you leaving me at home with three screaming children while you go out on the piss. That’s my job.” Kim hollered through the open door of the living room. “Now, when you’ve all finished, do you think someone could bring me a coffee? Also, Shelley, I know your clothes are on the large size for me, but do you have something I could wear, only I’m sitting here in a damp dress with a towel between my legs.”

  She’d get ‘clothes on the large size’. For that she could wear my unicorn onesie, the cow. The supposed horn on its head looked like a penis gone wrong. That was the problem with random internet purchases. Things didn’t always look the same as on the photos when they arrived.

  I excused Charlie from making the drinks and let her escape to her room. Darius went back in to Kim, taking his mobile phone from his pocket ready to ring his family to tell them about the new arrivals. He reassured me that shortly he, Kim, and the babies would be on their way back home and that we wouldn’t be getting the entire Hogsthorpe pack arriving at the door at any moment.

  I closed my eyes for a time while I sat in the kitchen. I inhaled the wonderful aroma of the coffee and tasted a delicious mouthful.

  “Are you bringing me some clothes or leaving me to freeze to death? You just enjoy a drink after your hard day schmoozing with Mr Cowell. It’s not like I want to get in my own bed or anything.”

  For the love of God. I’d spent the day smoothing out the politics of the sea and dealing with a hysterical sister, and now I was dealing with my belligerent bestie. All I’d wanted was one damn coffee in peace. I ran upstairs and got the onesie out and brought it down. I burst into the living room, and once I could see she wasn’t holding any of the newborns, I threw it at her. “There are some pants, a few sanitary pads you are lucky I found because I don’t have any of that any more being undead, and this nice cosy onesie.”

  She gave me a look that would have killed the Grim Reaper himself.

  “I hope you get a hearty satisfaction from watching your best friend, who is exhausted from birthing three babies, dress in this heinous outfit. This is how the pack will greet me when I get home.” She dressed in it and pulled up the hood. I could see Darius was struggling to keep a straight face. “It is actually extremely comfortable.” She tipped her chin at me. “I may adopt onesies as my new daily attire.”

  “Or you could just stay as a wolf with all your fur…” Darius looked at her perplexed.

  “I’d rather not. I’ve spent the best part of my life shaving and waxing hair off and then suddenly I’m supposed to deal with it being everywhere. I’ll stick mainly to my human form and these terribly crass but amazingly comfortable all in ones. And look, it has a zipper all the way down the front for easy access to the milking station for the cubs.”

  She picked up one of the babies. “Come on, Beiber. Let’s get you, Taylor, and Buble home.”

  She looked at our dropped mouths. “God, you’re all just suckers. As if I’d call my children that.”

  Shit. I’d lost the sweepstakes we’d held in the coffee shop. Just for a moment there, the prize had been within reach.

  Charlie

  I was glad to get to my room after the busy events of the day. Though I needed to call my best friend, I knew Darius was about to ring her about her new niece and nephews. I decided I’d shoot her a quick text and ask her to call me when she was free.

  But when I laid on my bed and took my phone from my bag to ring her, the only shooting in my life was a pain once again going down my legs. This had been happening since the latter part of the non-wedding. I’d not mentioned it to anyone as there was enough going on.

  Pain like I’d never known coursed through me, so bad that my body couldn’t take it and everything went black.

  I woke to darkness. Staring at the clock, I saw over three hours had passed. I reached over to switch on my bedside light. When had I fallen asleep? It was then I remembered the pain I’d experienced. I’d better go tell my mum about it. She’d know what to do. Maybe I’d picked up a virus? I shuffled my feet into my slippers. Stupid things, what was wrong with them? They felt a size too small. I kicked them away in disgust and opened my bedroom door.

  My father was right outside, making his way downstairs.

  He turned quickly around and screamed.

  That made me scream.

  He screamed again.

  “Dad. Stop it. For God’s sake. It’s been enough of a dramatic day already. You’re not treading the boards now you know?”

  He peered at me, coming closer.

  “Ch-Ch- Charlie?”

  “D-D- Dad?” I deadpanned. What the heck was wrong with him? Parents were so weird.

  Mum came to the bottom of the stairs.

  “What on earth is all the screaming about? Haven’t we had enough dramatics for one day? I’m trying to enjoy just a bit of peace and quiet.”

  My dad beckoned for her to come upstairs. Sighing, and moaning about never getting a minute, she stomped up every step. Then she took one look at me and screamed.

  “Oh God, not you too. What is it? Do I have a massive zit on my nose or something? Has a spider crawled on my head in the night?”

  I strolled over to the large wall mirror and stopped in my tracks.

  Because Charlene Landry, the teenager, was no more. Charlene Landry, the woman, looking around her early twenties, stared back at me from the mirror. My hair was a good six inches longer, reaching below my more than ample breasts. I was about four inches taller. No doubt I’d gone up a size or two in shoes, hence my slippers not fitting. It was a good job I’d worn a loose tunic style dress to the wedding that had finished below the knee as now my dress skimmed halfway down my thighs. Another inch or two and it would have been indecent.

  “That’s why I passed out.” I declared.

  “You did what?” My mum came rushing over to me. “Come on, let’s get you checked over.”

  “She doesn’t leave this house tonight.” My father said in a stern voice.

  “Well, that’s a bit overcautious, Theo. If she seems okay, I’m sure she’ll be all right.”

  “She. Doesn’t. Leave. This. House. EVER!”

  My mum narrow
ed her eyes at him. “What on earth has got into you, Theo? Go get some O-neg and calm yourself down. She passed out and she’ll be okay. It was no doubt growing pains while she became an adult.”

  “An adult.” My dad started pacing. “An adult. An adult who can have sex, Shelley. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  The penny dropped with my mum.

  “Ah.”

  “I’m not going out tonight, Dad.” I reassured him. “This change has wiped me out. Once mum checks me over, I’m going to eat, drink, and sleep.”

  “Fabulous.” He beamed.

  “Then I’ll be fully recovered for tomorrow.” I said winking at him.

  “Shelley!”

  My mother put a silence spell on him. Dad didn’t know and kept gasping, looking like a fish out of water.

  “I know you’re thinking about meeting Kai.” My mum said. But we need to make sure you’re okay after this new change. Anyway, lets get you checked over. I’ll pop us both over to the caves and we can see the medics there. Hold tight.”

  But before she could whizz us there, Mum’s phone rang. She plucked it from her pocket, pressed answer and held it to her ear.

  “Shelley!” I could hear Ebony’s voice from here. “I’m on my way home. The war, it’s started. I keep seeing fire. Lots and lots of fire, and… sausage rolls.”

  “Anything else? Like who’s behind it? No? Okay, Ebs. We’ll assemble a meeting for tomorrow around half eleven at the coffee shop. Give you time to get back. In the meantime we’ll be extra vigilant.”