Crazy, Stupid, Lazy, Cupid (Cupid Inc Book 1) Read online

  “I feel like I’m being deliberately confused so I don’t get paid.” Mandy complained.

  “Mandy’s not passing anytime soon.” I whispered to Destiny.

  “Bonus for us. Martine’s going to be so distracted by guiding Mandy, that she won’t know what we’re doing.” A twinkle appeared in Destiny’s eyes.

  “And what are we doing?”

  “As little as possible and then we’re going up there.” Destiny pointed to the cafe on the second floor.

  “I swear if I wasn’t married, and was gay, you’d be my ideal partner.” I told her.

  We wandered around the store looking in people’s baskets and trolleys, but it was mainly mums with toddlers.

  “Look at Max sucking up to that guy. He’s obviously just like his sister, wanting to be top of the class.” I narrowed my eyes in his general direction. Then watched as the guy passed him his number.

  “Wrong. He wants to be top of that ass.” Destiny did one of her loud guffaws that had the whole store turning around.

  “We need to get something down for our project soon or we’ll not get our coffee. I need help.” I said. No sooner were the words out of my mouth than four hunky workmen walked into the store, followed by four women from a beauty salon.

  We hurried over before anyone else got to them, but no one else seemed to have even noticed they’d walked in.

  “Good morning. We’re doing market research today.” Destiny explained. “Could we ask you a few questions as you shop around?”

  They didn’t look too sure, so I spoke. “All you have to do is buy your shopping as usual. The questions aren’t too probing. Can we start with what you’ve come in to buy?”

  One of the men scratched his head. “Well, I was actually on my way to Sally’s Sandwich Shop. That’s where we go every morning, but the next thing I knew, I was here.”

  One of the women joined in. “Samesies. I was going to get a bacon bap from McDonalds, but my inner voice guided me here.”

  The man and the woman looked at each other. I sent out my Cupid senses. Single tingles.

  “Well, we were just going to get coffee. There’s a cafe upstairs. It does bacon baps and fry ups. Why don’t you come and join us?” I asked.

  They all said yes, and we showed them to the supermarket cafe. This was fantastic. Now we had a genuine excuse to be in the cafe and I could even have a full English.

  “How did this happen?” Destiny asked me, as she tucked into eggs Benedict. “One minute we needed help, the next there these people were. It was like magic.” She said.

  Then I realised. Shelley’s spell, set to help me when I needed it. As we talked to the people sitting with us, two of the men and two of the women turned out to be single, so we had plenty of opportunity to chat with them, and then after we followed them around the store as they decided to shop for a few things for later. It was a killer not being able to shoot arrows as the couples seemed perfect for each other, so I cheated a little and asked for their telephone numbers for research, and then I accidentally dropped the numbers in each other’s baskets. Oops.

  “You can’t help yourself, can you?” Destiny said. “You say you don’t want to Cupid, but it’s obviously a big part of who you are.”

  “I just don’t want to Cupid like they want me to.” I pointed at Martine. “They take all the fun out of it.”

  “Speaking of fun, let’s have some.” She said, a glint in her eye. “Follow me.”

  She went around the supermarket adding items to people’s baskets. It was so naughty, but highly amusing. We watched as Max asked a woman about the contents of her basket only for the woman to go bright red when she found some extra-large condoms in there. Rhonda interviewed a dark haired man who looked a little vain who found hair dye for grey men in his. I couldn’t stop giggling.

  “You two. Come with me.” Martine appeared at our side. Shit.

  Looking up, I saw Max staring at us. He smiled at me. So he’d screwed me over again had he?

  I was going to have to up my game, take it right to the Max.

  Fate

  I could only watch as once again my younger brother Chance messed with my plans. It wasn’t the first time I wished I was an only child. He loved to be my tormentor. I’d spent time putting together my plan for Samara, how to encourage her to find her own way so that she could embrace the path she was meant to follow in life. The changes she would make that would have a knock on effect on the world. But he kept throwing his own arrows into my plan for my little Cupid. Ones that pointed in different directions.

  And our parents allowed him to do so.

  Samara wasn’t the only child with parent problems.

  Samara

  “Hey, Samara. Wait up. What did Martine want? You looked like you were in trouble.” Max said catching me up at the bottom of the store’s stairs.

  My eyes must have narrowed to slits as I gave him my best death glare. “Like you don’t know.”

  “Huh?”

  “She found out we’d been adding things to people’s baskets.” I didn’t say it was Destiny who’d done it and I’d just laughed at what she’d done, as I needed to take responsibility for the fact I’d egged her on by my finding it so amusing.

  “Oh. I guess that would have affected the results of our experiments.” He said.

  “Someone grassed on us.” I said, tilting my head at him.

  “Or you were seen on the cameras, or by the security guard, or the tilted mirrors in the corners. There’s surveillance everywhere.” He said. “Oh, well. I hope you don’t get in too much trouble. Catch you later.” He walked off.

  “The gall of that man.” I complained to Destiny. “He arranged a date for God’s sake and then snitches on us for having a bit of fun ourselves.”

  “Oh, forget him.” Destiny said. “Talking about fun. It’s about time we had more. I think we should have a party tonight. We can hold it in my apartment.”

  “Oooh, a party. Fabulous. I’ll not be able to stay long though because of Johnny.”

  Destiny pouted. “Oh yeah, bummer. Not sure if I want to have one now if you can’t come.”

  I chewed on my lip a little. “Why don’t we hold it at mine? Not too many people though. I don’t want Johnny too wound up. He gets very excited around visitors, jumping up and trying to kiss them all the time, and begging for treats.”

  “You sure? I’d go halves on some food and we can tell everyone to bring a bottle.”

  “Sounds good. I’ll sort out party playlists on Spotify.” I pulled a face. “Do I have to invite Max?”

  “Yes. I’ve told you. Don’t let him see he’s getting to you.”

  “That’s what Jessica said in therapy. That I should act nice to him as it would wind him up more.”

  “Well, there you go then. That’s two of us who’ve said the same thing.”

  “I know we aren’t supposed to discuss it, but how’s your therapy going? Are they making you discuss being a widow?”

  “Trying, but I don’t want to talk about it and they can’t make me. They’re also trying to make me see the error of my hacking ways, but the only error I feel I made was getting caught. They’ve told me not to expect to graduate this week. That’s kind of what made me think sod it, I’ll have a party.”

  “Well they’ve kind of indicated the same thing to me, so let’s enjoy ourselves, and then start afresh Monday in trying to pass and get out of here.”

  We high-fived each other.

  We agreed that while we were still in the shop, we may as well get some party supplies, and then we dropped everything round at my apartment before eating a pre-packed sandwich and heading to class for that afternoon’s lessons. I took a step back as I saw Marcus sitting at the back of the classroom.

  “Settle down, class.” Martine announced. “As you can see, we are being joined this afternoon by Mr Delaney. He’s here on a matter he can’t disclose but he needs to sit in on the class. So if we could just forget he’s here and carr
y on.” She flicked her hair about three hundred times showing that she couldn’t forget the fact he was here.

  And neither could I.

  It was bound to be about me.

  I turned around, caught his gaze and gave him some serious side-eye.

  “Why do you think he’s here?” Destiny whispered.

  “Either to spy on me, or he’s making the whole thing up just to spend the afternoon with Martine.”

  “Martine and Marcus?” Destiny looked from one to the other.

  I nodded. “Hot as hell for each other those two. Won’t admit it though.”

  “Hmm, time for me to begin to get over being a widow and to flirt with the hot private investigator.”

  “Destiny!”

  “What?” She feigned innocence.

  “Behave yourself.”

  “Spoilsport.”

  I decided to keep my party limited to the people in class who lived on campus which was me, Destiny, Max, Rhonda, a guy called Brad (the one I’d called greasebucket due to the fact I didn’t think he’d washed his hair for several years), and Jeanette. Brad was back in school because he’d been caught stalking several of the women he was supposed to match. To say I was beginning to regret agreeing to host a party was an understatement. If people came to our home in Withernsea it was a hoot and many had sore heads in the morning due to booze; here in London a sore head would likely be due to being bopped over the head by my enemy.

  I changed the word party to gathering when I asked people and we agreed to meet at mine at eight.

  After collecting Johnny, I took him for a long walk and then once back in my flat I locked all my valuables up in my wardrobe, fastening it closed with a lock I bought from a hardware shop on my way to collect Johnny from doggy day care. I was taking no chances. Brad wasn’t sneaking any of my panties out of my flat.

  By eight-thirty everyone had arrived and were helping themselves to food. The music was playing and Johnny was in his element with everyone fussing around him. Thank goodness they were all dog lovers.

  By nine o’clock, I was seriously bored and wishing everyone would leave. Destiny filled up my wine. “This blows. We’ll just have to get drunk.”

  “We didn’t think this through.” I told her. “I mean look who’s here. It’s like zombies night out. Like I’ve raised the dead and brought them to my flat.” Then my eyes widened and I screamed with delight. “That’s it! Let’s have a seance.”

  “What? You want to unleash spirits around your apartment? How will you sleep after?”

  “Oh, I’ve done them loads of times before when I was younger. You just have to smash the glass or whatever instrument you use and then the spirits can’t stay here. Everyone,” I shouted. “Who’s up for a seance?”

  “Oh wow. Totally.” Max said. “I can ask to speak to my ex-boyfriend’s penis. That was definitely dead.”

  Destiny still looked reluctant and then I realised why that could be. What if she was scared that her husband would come through? Maybe it would be too much, or maybe she was scared he wouldn’t come through.

  “Destiny. I won’t ask for your husband unless you absolutely want me to.” I reassured her.

  The relief on her face showed me I’d been right. “Thank you. I wouldn’t want to talk to him like this, in front of other people. I’d feel so awkward, plus it could be a malevolent spirit pretending to be him, which would be cruel. It’s best I leave him as good memories in my mind.”

  “Not a problem.”

  She hugged me. “Thank you, Samara, for being so understanding.”

  “That’s what friends are for. Now everyone, gather in a circle, let’s have some fun.”

  “Is there anybody there?” I asked for a third time. The first time Johnny had bounded through the middle and knocked the glass flying before running off with three letters of the alphabet I’d written on paper and shredding them with his teeth. He was now on the sofa chewing a bone made of animal hide which would keep him amused while we got on and tried again. There’d been no response the second time. It was third time lucky as our communicator (a glass whiskey tumbler used to spirits) began to move and spelled out YES.

  “Thank you for being here. What is your name?” I asked.

  I watched as the glass moved again.

  MURDERED

  I shot back. “Murdered? You were murdered?”

  “I don’t like it,” Destiny screamed. “Can we stop?”

  I noticed Max was sitting clutching Brad. “I don’t like it either.”

  “Oh, for goodness’ sake. You’re a bunch of scaredy cats.”

  “I’m not.” Said Rhonda. “Ask how they died. Was it gruesome? Was there duct tape and hammers? I told you, you always should look at what people have in their shopping baskets very, very closely.”

  I started to wonder if Rhonda bought duct tape and hammers. Then I noticed Brad look at her with interest. Oh dear Lord, it was more scary out here than anything going on in the spirit world.

  “People please. I will close the seance down if you’re uncomfortable, but I must be polite to the person who has come through here. This could be a cry for help, or it could indeed be an evil spirit toying with us all. So do not break contact with the glass whatever you do until I have properly closed down this circle.”

  “It’s actually more of an oval shape. Does that make a difference? Because I’d hate for you to be haunted or possessed because I didn’t sit in the correct position.” Jeanette added.

  “Just sit still.” I snapped.

  HELP ME

  I realised the spirit needed help in moving on from earth. “We don’t know why this happened to you.” I said, “But find the light and head for it. Go in peace.”

  He must have gone because there was nothing for a moment and then a voice came through making everyone jump a foot in the air before we realised it was coming through the door. The circle broke apart before I had time to close it down properly. I broke the glass and figured that would have to be enough because people were on their feet already. In fact they were putting their shoes on and heading out. Looked like the gathering was over.

  I opened the door, shocked to find Jessica there. “Oh, er, hello.”

  “Oh I’m sorry. I was just popping around on the off chance I’d catch you in. I didn’t realise you were entertaining. It can wait until Wednesday.” She said, backing away from the door.

  “No, No. Everyone is actually leaving.” I said, beckoning her in.

  “Well, I wasn’t.” Destiny said. “We have tons of wine left to drink.”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m sorry, I’m all gathered out. This was a disaster. Take a bottle with you, and I’ll catch you at school tomorrow.”

  Destiny grabbed a bottle and gave me a quick hug before she left. “No one can say we didn’t try.”

  I offered Jessica a drink. She agreed to a glass of white wine and we sat on the sofa.

  “I guess your get-together didn’t go as planned then?” She took a sip.

  “It was a disaster from start to finish. Firstly the guests were fellow failures from my class. There was no ambience. Then I decided to hold a seance and someone who’d been murdered came through. That really finished things off. You’re supposed to bring life and soul to a party. I brought death, murder, and souls.”

  “Murdered?”

  “So he said. I asked him to follow the light. That’s what they always say on TV programmes, isn’t it? Anyway, it’s great to see you, but what did you want to tell me?”

  “Right, well traces of a sleeping tablet were found on the counter in the canteen so someone probably did crush something into your drink. However the cafeteria isn’t fitted with any surveillance so we’ve no way of proving anything. I just came to warn you to be extra vigilant. Maybe keep your distance from this Max guy. Don’t let him get anywhere near you to cause more harm.”

  “So I shouldn’t have had him around at my gathering then?” I quipped.

  “Seriously,
he was here?” Jessica looked alarmed.

  “Yeah, but he was always in the room. He spent most of his time fussing Johnny. They all did, come to think of it. Spoiled dog. Actually, where is Johnny? He’s usually all over visitors so it’s weird he’s not been out to greet you.”

  I went through to our bedroom to find Johnny fast asleep on my bed.

  “Oh look.” I beckoned Jessica. “He’s worn out from all the fussing he’s had. Isn’t he so cute? He’s even cuter when he’s my proper human husband.”

  “Do you mind?” She said and pointed to him, walking closer.

  “Oh no, you fuss him. Though I warn you, he’ll be dead to the world.”

  She picked up his head in her hands which I felt was a bit forward to be honest with you. Then she pulled at his eyelids. “We need an emergency vet.” She said. “Johnny’s been drugged.”

  Samara

  “What?!” I screamed. “No. No. No. Not Johnny. He can’t be. Johnny, don’t die. Do you hear me?” But Johnny’s head just flopped straight back down.

  “My car’s outside. Do you have the number of an emergency vet?”

  “Johnny is the bloody vet. I never needed a number before. Why didn’t I think of that? Oh my god, this is ridiculous.” I clutched my husband. “Don’t die, and if you can talk, please tell me what to do.” All the pet first aid training I’d had to do for the grooming salon seemed to have exited my brain due to the extreme terror I was experiencing.

  “I found someone.” Jessica was on her phone. “Let’s go. I’ll be calling while we make our way to the car.”

  Johnny was a big dog, yet I found a strength I didn’t realise I had to lift him. Adrenaline was a miracle power. Jessica opened the back door of her car and I laid Johnny on the back seat. Well, I say laid, he was heavy, so it was a little unceremonious, but I got in the back with him and snuggled him while listening to every one of his breaths and thanking God for them all.

  After parking in the vet’s car park and rushing in, the vet called us through and asked me to lay Johnny down on his table. He examined him thoroughly, listening to his heart.