Crazy, Stupid, Lazy, Cupid (Cupid Inc Book 1) Page 4

  “I meant obstacles in the way of your idea.”

  “Oh.”

  Vax put up his hand. Martine nodded for him to speak.

  “I thought of the park first for my idea but then I discounted it. It’s all fine until Fido bites little Fifi and then it’s screaming and slanging matches and people being asked to choose the dog or the partner, and they always choose the dog.” Vax pouted. Maybe this had happened to him. “Much better to get a dog lover to meet another dog lover and then they can get a pet together.” He smiled at me in a smug, triumphant manner. “That’s why I changed my assignment idea to an animal sanctuary. Lonely heart decides to buy a cat. So does another lonely heart. Point and shoot.” He said dramatically, clutching at his chest. “And love.” He put his index fingers and thumbs together to make a heart.

  I was going to take his eyes out with two arrows in a minute. His card was marked. The absolute twat.

  “Very valid points there.” Martine said, turning to me. “I think the park has potential but do think on what Max has said.”

  Oh I’d think on what he’d said okay. I’d chew on it for the rest of the lesson as my mind went down a dark path where I nailed him to the wall with an arrow straight through his balls.

  “I will. Thank you, Vax.” I said to him.

  “Max.” He shot back.

  “Oh, yes, my apologies. I can’t seem to get your name to register in my head. It’s just too full of important stuff.” I smiled and turned back to the front.

  Martine went around the rest of the class. Destiny had chosen coffee shops as her place. One had chosen prison visiting rooms which was slightly worrying and judging by Martine’s face and reaction they weren’t passing their assignment any time soon.

  “You coming to the cafeteria for lunch?” Destiny asked me.

  “Yeah, I’ll be along shortly. I just need to ask Betty something.” I told her. Destiny wandered off along with the other classmates. Betty was slower. I went over to help her pack up her things.

  “Hey, Betty. You okay there?” I asked.

  She sighed. “Yes, honey. I’m just wishing I’d got my life quota in early so I was done with all this damn stuff.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “Those targets they set.” She looked at me with rheumy eyes. She must have been eighty. “I lazed about and didn’t meet them. Now, when I should be enjoying my twilight years, I still need to matchmake.”

  “Oh, Betty. I didn’t realise. How many matches do you have left to make?”

  “Just over thirty. I’m too tired for this shit. Take it from me, Samara. Get it all done while you’re young. Don’t make the mistakes I have. Anyway, what can I do for you? You don’t strike me as someone who’d wander over without motive.”

  She might have been old, but she was a force to be reckoned with. No flies on this one.

  “I was thinking about what you were saying in class about Bobby. Why don’t I pop over tonight to see if he’s a match for you?”

  “You’re not supposed to matchmake while you’re in training as you well know, but go on, I’m listening.”

  “Well we all know I have trouble obeying rules, so let’s not worry about that. Maybe we could also try to get some of those thirty matches off your list. You might have to have a night out with me.”

  “Once again, I’ll remind you that we’re not supposed to matchmake.”

  “They want you to get thirty matches, right? So if you do it, they’ll have no choice but to let you retire. Then you and Bob can go live happily ever after. I might get in trouble, but hell, I’m in trouble anyway so who cares.”

  “Eden Park Centre, 7 Eden Park Road. Eight pm. Don’t be late. I hate sloppy timekeeping. Every second counts when you’re eighty-three.”

  I smiled. “I’ll be there.”

  Fate

  I checked in with Samara’s first day progress… and groaned. It hadn’t taken her long to conclude that the quicker she did all the tasks she could leave.

  Oh, Samara. How wrong could you be?

  Passing the training wasn’t about ticking boxes. It was what you would do after you left. The classes could only be there as a guide to help her help herself.

  Then I watched as she walked over to Betty.

  Well, well, well.

  Maybe there was hope after all…

  Samara

  “I have major gossip for you.” Destiny whispered as I sat beside her. We were alone. The other classmates weren’t around. “Where is everyone?”

  “They’re saying it’s Taco Tuesday and they’ve gone to Taco Bell.” She rolled her eyes. “They’re so lame… and sheep. Max said it and everyone followed him. Except me. You should have seen the look he gave me when I said I was staying here waiting for you.”

  I sighed. “Doesn’t surprise me. So, come on, what’s the gossip?”

  “Max is Rebecca’s brother.”

  “What?” I screeched. “The Rebecca who made herself my mortal enemy? That Rebecca?”

  “Yup. I thought it was a coincidence they had the same surname, didn’t you?”

  “Hadn’t given it a thought. Didn’t give enough of a shit about him to take any notice of what he was called.”

  Destiny smiled and shook her head. “What are you like? Anyway, you need to keep an eye on him because I reckon he’s spying for his sister and she’ll not want you to pass will she? Then she’d have to give up Withernsea.”

  I chewed on my top lip. “Yeah, you’re right. I need to keep my eye on him now more than ever.” I took a bite of my bacon sandwich.

  “So what did the Principal say to you yesterday?”

  I decided not to tell her he was my dad.

  “It was fine. Just a general telling off that I needed to pay more attention or I wouldn’t pass. Blah, blah, blah.”

  “Bor-ing. So, fieldwork this afternoon. Want to team up? We can find a coffee shop match and then take a hot drink to the park.”

  “A match?”

  “Samara, have you not looked at this afternoon’s assignment either?”

  I played with my coffee cup.

  “Samara.”

  “This being a swot is exhausting. Playing stupid is so much easier. I’d been enjoying and basking in the fact I finished assignment one. I didn’t know I had to go straight to assignment two.”

  “That’s generally how these things go.” Destiny giggled.

  “So tell me what assignment two is.” I asked.

  “It said to visit my chosen place, feel for the single tingles, choose who I would matchmake and then note my observations on why I would attempt to matchmake this particular couple up.”

  “And enjoy a nice drink and a bun while you’re there. Not a bad assignment at all.” I agreed.

  “So what do you think? Will you come with me this afternoon?”

  “Sure.”

  “Great. Maybe we could have a wander around some shops first?”

  “Excellent idea. My flat is really sparse. I could do with buying a cushion or something. Johnny is in day care until five, so I’ve plenty of time.”

  “I can’t believe your husband is a dog.”

  “I know. It’s a freaking nightmare. How about you anyway? You dating anyone after your break up?”

  “My break up?”

  “Yeah, divorce or whatever. You said you’d fallen out with love.”

  “Samara, my husband died. Two years ago. I’m a widow.”

  My mouth dropped open.

  “Oh, Jesus, Destiny. I had no idea. I am so sorry. I just assumed it was a bitter break up.”

  Destiny looked at her soup bowl and stirred the contents with her spoon. “I don’t like to talk about it. He was the love of my life and then he was gone.”

  I reached out and placed a hand on her arm. “Well, I am so very sorry. I’m here if you ever do want to talk about it. You’re being so supportive to me, and well, right back at ya, sister! Now, come on. Finish up your food and let’s hit the shops.
Retail therapy always makes me feel better.”

  And it did. I bought a lovely fluffy fleece blanket to put on the bed for Johnny to lie on and I bought myself a hand-knitted look throw to wrap around myself in an evening in place of Johnny’s warm body that usually cuddled me when he was in human form. From there it was time to go to the coffee shop where we found someone Destiny could use for her assignment. Cupids could ask a person for their identity information to check them out. It was a kind of hypnosis but could only be used for the identification purposes. Then we would normally call Cupid HQ’s Information Department and ask them to check the background details on our subjects. However, for the assignment Destiny said it was all theoretical. Afterwards, I collected Johnny from doggy day care early so me, Destiny, and Johnny could walk around the park while I found two suitable matches. I bid goodbye to Destiny near to her apartment block and then walked to my own, adding the new throw and blanket onto the sofa. Johnny immediately pawed at my knit and then flopped down on it, ignoring his own.

  I sighed. Leaving him to it, I fired up the laptop and hurried up to write my assignment so that I could go visit Betty. As uploading wasn’t compulsory for this assignment, I just quickly typed it into a Word document, printed it out and stuck it in my backpack ready for tomorrow.

  “Okay, Johnny. You seem extremely comfy on my blanket, so I’m just going to leave you here while I pop out. Here are a few treats.” I placed them on the blanket in front of his nose and quickly left, closing the doors behind me and locking my front one. I caught the Tube to Betty’s place.

  Well, I didn’t know what I’d been expecting. Okay, yes I did. I’d expected half-senile people sat in a room, smelling of urine and faeces. Instead, I walked into what looked like the entrance to some grand hotel. The receptionist showed me to a waiting room that wouldn’t have looked out of place in Buckingham Palace while she contacted Betty.

  Eventually Betty came through and beckoned for me to follow her. She was wearing blusher and red lipstick and had a silver slide in the side of her grey hair.

  “We’re going to go through to the games room. Bobby and Fred are playing pool.”

  I followed her in and immediately got a single tingle from Betty and also from the guy currently potting a stripe. He was watching that Betty was watching him. “Well?” She asked me.

  “Yep, I got it. Girl, you two are on fire.”

  “Shoot us then.” She elbowed me. “I aired the bedding earlier.” She giggled.

  “Okay, let me make a quick call to make sure neither of you are a bigamist or anything.”

  Betty clutched my arm. “Cupid Inc will know and stop us if you do that.”

  “It isn’t Cupid Inc I’m calling, don’t worry.” I winked at her.

  After finding out everything was fine, I got myself prepared. Cupid’s shot their arrows and to everyone around we just looked like we were standing smiling, or shopping, or whatever vision of normal we were involved in. Only Betty watched as my bow and arrows materialised in all their mystical glory. My own bow and arrows were a glittery purple colour. I placed an arrow in my bow and shot it in Betty’s new love’s heart.

  “What the fuck?”

  I turned to Betty in shock. Had the sweet old lady really just dropped the F-bomb on me?

  “What? Don’t tell me you’ve changed your mind? Cupid HQ will have been alerted that I fired an arrow.”

  “But that’s not Bobby. You fired it at the wrong guy. That’s Fred.”

  “Well the single tingle is between you two, Betty. There’s nothing between you and Bobby. Look at him. You’re all dressed up and he’s chatting to those women over there while scratching his balls.”

  Betty sighed. “Damn glaucoma and cataracts. I got my tingles muddled up.”

  I stood with my other arrow. “So what do you want me to do, Betty?”

  “Well, shoot me of course, girl, and hurry up about it. We’ve got thirty couples to matchmake after here. I’m seventy-six, my time on earth is limited. This shit needs handling.”

  I noticed she’d changed her age. I guessed when you got older it was difficult to remember how old you actually were. Or maybe it was so she could lie about it to her new boyfriend?

  I shot my arrow at her. I saw the love spark through their bodies. When it hit it was like a rush of dopamine. Their body relaxed and then the couple would smile at one another. Luckily because Betty was a Cupid herself, she didn’t go fully under or we’d never have got out of there that evening. She rushed over to Fred, kissed him on the cheek, and gave him the key to her apartment. “Warm the bed up for us, sugar.” She said and then she turned to me. “Time’s a wasting. What are you waiting for, girl?”

  I’d been wracking my brains to think up how we could quickly get a quota of likely couples and all I could think of was my park idea to start with. So we spent an hour walking around and matchmaking.

  “How many now?” Betty said, rubbing her hip.

  “Six couples.” I said.

  “I’m surprised no one’s been to stop us yet.” She said, looking around. “They must know my arrows are firing.”

  “Well, let’s keep going.” I told her.

  She looked down at her legs. “Girl, I’m old. I do my best to keep in shape. I do regular chairobics, but I’m still old. Plus, I need to save some energy for that man in my bed.”

  I huffed a breath over my top lip. “Give me a moment to think.”

  It took me more than a moment. It took me several. “Okay, lady. We’re going to catch the Tube down to Covent Garden. There are always stacks of people around there; the place is bustling. We will get these last twenty-four, Betty.”

  “Twenty-three.” She said. I looked at her with a furrowed brow. “I’ll fire my last one tomorrow. I’m having a night of debauchery before I’m called back to Cupid HQ to hang up my bow and arrows.”

  “Fair enough. Twenty-three it is.”

  It took three hours. Three hours of watching people go into the Tube station and out, but we found twenty-three couples who gave out the single tingle and could be matchmade. It was a good job I had a computer whizz on speed dial. Then we hopped on a Tube and walked the short walk to the retirement home.

  “Thank you for everything you did, Samara. I’m so very grateful. Tomorrow I will shoot my final arrow and I won’t need to go to that godawful class. I hope you pass soon, dear, and get your husband back. You have a kind heart and a lovely soul.”

  I felt tears welling behind my eyes. No one ever told me nice shit like that except Johnny.

  I leaned down and gave the old lady a kiss on her weathered cheek. “Night, Betty. You take it steady now tonight, you hear.”

  “Girl, at my age I’m going for it. If it kills me, what a way to go.”

  I laughed. “Okay, well take care.”

  “I will. Feel free to pop around to see us anytime. I’ll send you an invite to the wedding unless I decide I enjoy living in sin. Depends which will wind my son up the most. He’s a vicar. Living in sin, versus he might not get my inheritance. I’m going to have a blast!”

  “Oh my god, you evil thing, that’s hilarious. Night, Betty, Genuinely thanks for a great evening.”

  “Night, Cupid.”

  Cupid.

  Yes tonight I had helped with a lot of matchmaking, and only one match was against my name, so surely I wouldn’t be in too much trouble…

  Samara

  “That’s a gorgeous pendant.” I told Destiny, admiring the gold-coloured locket around her neck. It was etched with a peacock symbol.

  “It has a lock of my husband’s hair in it.” She told me. “I’d been too upset to wear it, but last night I looked and thought, no, I’m actually feeling strong enough to have him near me now.”

  I reached over and grasped her hand.

  “When you’ve finished chatting,” Martine gave us both side-eye, “if we could go through yesterday’s coursework.” Mine was in front of me and I looked at it proudly. I was getting the hang of t
his studying lark. “So, Destiny. If you could discuss your assignment.”

  Destiny cleared her throat. “For my assignment I visited Coffee Heaven. I found a man sitting at the table reading an article on the environment and then a lady came in smelling of Lush products. Sure enough, my feelers detected the single tingle—I felt they were a match—so I made a note in my book for the assignment and left.”

  “Well done.”

  I felt a bit miffed that Destiny hadn’t pointed out that I’d been the one who’d realised the woman shopped at Lush, but then the coffee shop wasn’t my assignment. Plus Destiny hadn’t asked me to stick my nose in her business. It was just that the smell from Lush was so distinctive.

  “Okay, Samara. Let’s hear yours.”

  I began to explain about how I had seen two single people walking the opposite way around the park and had detected the single tingles.

  “But, Samara. That’s not what your assignment asked you for.” Martine stated, hands going to her hips.

  “Pardon?”

  “Your assignment. Did you read it online, because different ones were set, or did you lazily ask someone else, like Destiny for instance, what the assignment was?”

  “Erm, I-”

  “The reason we set different assignments at times throughout the course is to make sure students are paying attention. As you should all be aware, attention to detail in this job is imperative. You have to be observant. Your assignment, Samara, was to list the qualities a Cupid needed in order to do their job, but you failed your assignment by the fact you didn’t even read what you needed to do.”

  My stomach felt like it had a stone in it. I looked at Martine. “I’m so sorry. You’re right, I didn’t check. I just assumed it was the same for me as for Destiny.

  “Assume. To make an ass out of u and me.” I heard Vax say. Bastard.

  “You receive a fail mark for this assignment, Samara. I’m sorry. You also need to do your assignment tonight, as even though it won’t count towards your week’s marks, it would still be highly beneficial for you to concentrate on what makes a good Cupid.”