Saviour Page 15

  ‘They mentioned it on the news when that woman got discovered.’

  ‘Well, part of that syndrome is believing that when an abductor withdraws their aggression it's an act of kindness. I’m guessing, as I don’t know Sienna, but it sounds like when he let her out of the room, she saw it as this.’

  ‘She’s as fucking loopy as he is. I wanted to smash her face in.’ My hand squeezes around the stress ball. Marnie observes this.

  ‘Let's go back.’

  ‘He wanted to watch. Wanted a display of us together. He sat back on the bed. I let Sienna touch me between my legs. I didn’t want to touch her back but I saw his face darken. He was becoming displeased. So I fondled her breasts. I put my hand between her legs. Sienna was so into it all. She performed for him but I could tell she was enjoying it. She put my fingers together and directed them into her vagina and fucked them.’

  ‘How did that make you feel?’

  ‘I wanted to cut off my hand.’

  ‘How are you feeling right now?’

  ‘Dirty. I want to wash my hands.’

  ‘Okay. Now again, I want you to focus on now. You’re thinking of that time but check where we are. Hold up your hand and describe it to me. Is it dirty?’

  ‘No. It’s clean. I washed my hands before coming in here. But it feels dirty.’

  ‘It feels dirty, but that is a feeling in your mind. This is what we have to change. I want you to tell yourself that your hand is clean. Do you think you could smell your hand?’

  I lift my hand up to my nose and smell it. I sniff my fingers. ‘It smells of soap.’

  ‘That’s right. When you think of your hand. When you are feeling dirty. I want you to bring to mind the smell of the soap and focus on your hands and how clean they are. Don’t worry, we’ll keep returning to these techniques. For now, carry on telling me what happened.’

  ‘She opened my legs and kind of sat between them, like her legs were either side of my legs. It made our you know what's touch. It was worse than what Jack did. At least I knew he was vile. I thought Sienna was kind, but she assaulted me just the same. She rubbed herself on me and all the time she was excited, you could see it on her face. I looked at Jack mostly. His eyes were open, and he was masturbating. She came and collapsed back. I hated it.’ My cheeks burn with humiliation. ‘When I first agreed to join them I’d considered having a relationship sexually with a woman. I’d had a couple of drunken encounters with one before. But I realised it wasn’t for me. I liked having things done to me, but I didn’t like reciprocating. This… this was horrendous. I could feel her body parts on mine and it was disgusting.’ My hand flies to my mouth as I gag. Marnie hands me a bucket just in time for me to empty my breakfast into its depths.

  I spend five minutes at a sink in the corner of the room, splashing my face and rinsing my mouth. Then I return.

  ‘You’re doing great, Eden. Are you okay to continue? We can stop at any time.’

  I nod. I need these words emptied out like the vomit. If they’re released maybe I’ll feel purged, cleaner? ‘Jack was spent from his own orgasm but he still wanted to fuck me. He got the broom, and he inserted the handle part into me and he fucked me with it. He got rough, so I had to pretend to enjoy it and fake an orgasm before he ripped my insides apart. I thought that would be it, but of course, this is Jack… He got a glass vase off the bedside table-’ My breath hitches.

  Marnie leans over and puts her hand on mine. ‘I’m so sorry this happened to you. Eden, it is not your fault.’

  ‘He made me fuck that too. I was shit scared it would break inside me. I tightened up. It hurt so damn much. He knew. He had to know that that I was petrified. I couldn’t fake enjoyment with that. It was too much. He was mad. He withdrew it and it must have excited him because he entered me and went at it hard. It hurt so goddamn much. I thought I would pass out.’

  ‘What’s your level of distress now, Eden? Do a body check.’

  ‘My legs have tightened up and I’ve crossed them. I’m wanting to protect my vagina. It’s like he’s here.’

  ‘Is he here? Look around.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Keep looking around the room for a minute or two.’

  Marnie waits while I focus on the room, my body and breathing.

  ‘Now, how distressed are you? The same?’

  ‘Less.’

  ‘Okay. Now the next part will be challenging. With your permission, I will get a broom. I just want you to look at it, okay, Eden?’

  I nod. My heartbeat thrashes in my ears.

  Even though she forewarned me, when I see the brush I leap to my feet and throw myself down in the corner of the office floor in a foetal position.

  ‘Eden. What is your level of distress right now?’

  I mumble.

  ‘Eden, I can’t hear you. I need to hear your voice. What is your level of distress right now?’

  I lift my head up and shout, ‘It’s off the fucking charts. Get it out of here.’

  ‘I’ve put it behind the cabinet out of sight. I want to bring it back out. What are brooms for?’

  ‘Cleaning.’

  ‘Good. Think of that. Think of using the broom to sweep the floor. Now, can you come back to the chair if I promise not to get the broom out without your permission?’

  She keeps telling me about the broom and how it's for sweeping floors. It’s not going to be used to attack me again. I do not need to fear it. As we near the end of the session, she asks my permission to show me the broom once more. I agree. This time I manage to remain in my seat while she holds it in front of me.

  ‘Last thing for today. Do you think you could hold the broom?’

  It’s the last thing. If I can do this, I can go. I hold my breath and reach towards the piece of wood. I touch the pad of my finger to it quickly, as if it may scald. I can do this, and reach out again. This time, I grip the handle of the broom loosely. Again, I let go as if burned.

  ‘How would you rate your distress compared to when I first showed you the broom? Is it as high?’

  ‘It’s less. Not a lot, but less.’

  Marnie puts the broom out of sight. ‘Okay. That’s it for today, Eden. We’ll be repeating this over the next eight to eleven sessions. This scenario and others from your imprisonment. It will not be easy and you will probably consider giving up.’

  ‘No I won’t.’ I tilt my chin up.

  Marnie looks at me with an eyebrow raised.

  ‘I can’t give up. I owe it to Kara. I need to apologise. That’s my aim.’

  ‘It's good to have something to work towards but we need to remember what this therapy is for. It’s primarily to help you identify unhelpful thoughts and cope with the distress.’

  I fold my arms across my chest. ‘Well, a by-product of that is I might be able to be in a room with my best friend without attacking her.’

  ‘Slow steps and maybe we could invite her here and discuss it as part of your treatment. For now, you look exhausted. I suggest you go and rest in your room or go to the day room and read. For homework, I’d like you to focus on the work we did with your hands and the association of a clean soap smell.’

  I leave the room, feeling physically and mentally drained. I lie on my bed for the next couple of hours, staring at the ceiling as I’m all out of thoughts of the past, present or future.

  Chapter twenty-seven

  DC Seth Logan

  I’m reading the translated statement from Cuerpo Nacional de Policia. Eden Stark must have a Guardian Angel. The police arrived at the property to screams and forced the door. A half hour later and I dread to think what the outcome would have been. The screams were from Sienna Loxley. The statement read that upon entering the villa, they followed the trail of blood and hair down a corridor to a room bearing a mattress on the floor and a barred window. Upon entering they discovered Eden Stark unconscious on the mattress. Her hands were bound with rope. Jack Loxley was on top of her. It would appear that non-consensual sexual intercou
rse with a beaten, unconscious female was a huge turn on for Jack Loxley.

  Sienna Loxley was watching from a corner of the room and screaming uncontrollably. The report records her as saying the words, ‘Please, not again. I can’t do this again.’

  Eden Stark had a split lip and a black eye. Her ribcage had started to bruise. They’d arranged for her to be taken to hospital, at which time she was found to have severe injuries to her vagina. Scans revealed no major internal injuries or brain trauma. However, on waking, she was found to be in severe shock and was sedated.

  Following a search of the property, the remains of a female were discovered in an overgrown area at the rear of the pool. Forensic studies suggest the death was by blunt trauma to the skull and occurred circa ten years previously.

  Days later, property was recovered from a lock-up in Manchester. A locked box when forced open, which revealed a passport and jewellery belonging to a female who went missing eleven years ago, around the same time that Jack and Sienna Loxley changed their names and married. Dental records reveal a match with the body discovered in Tenerife.

  If the officers hadn’t arrived when they did, I very much doubt Eden Stark would have made it out of that villa alive.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Eden

  The sessions with the psychologist strip me of every ounce of energy I possess. After each one, I retreat to my bed and climb under the covers. It’s difficult trying to gain peace and quiet when you share with three other women. I attempted to engage one of them in conversation when I was first admitted. Then I realised all she wanted was to fill me in on all her problems. What was a huge difficulty to her was nothing to me. Neither was she interested in a word I might have to say. I shut her down and let none of the others in. They may view me as hostile but I don’t have the capacity to give them solace or support.

  I know the sessions are helping. I’m also getting a lot from art therapy. Some of the paintings and drawings I’ve done are very dark and deep. You can see the anger in the pressure of the crayon. But they are getting lighter. I painted a house last week, and I put myself outside of it. The art therapist felt it showed great progress.

  They tell me Xavier is here again. I decide this time we’ll go for a walk outside the perimeter of the building. I need some fresh air. The last time I was outside was on my admittance and even then, it was a quick walk from the car to the entrance.

  I find him peering at his phone. His other hand in his pocket. His hair isn’t styled and his fringe flops over his forehead. He looks like he should be in a Boy Band. He sees me and smiles. Marnie worries that I confuse the in-my-head Xavier with the real one. I wish she was here now. When the real one smiles, mouth stretching in a move that I watch as if hypnotised, there can be only this real version. His eyes are like two deep pools of melted chocolate. I’m possibly drooling. Today, the clouds of everything I’ve been through part. Xavier looks embarrassed about his huge smile. He looks at the floor, kicking something imaginary with his shoe. I walk up and touch his face. He startles.

  ‘You have the most beautiful smile. I swear you make the sun come out.’

  He cocks his head. ‘We’re going to have to take you back.’

  I frown. ‘Why?’

  ‘You’re delusional. You need more meds.’

  I smile at him, relieved. ‘Shall we walk outside?’

  ‘If that’s what you want?’

  ‘I do.’ He follows me out of the building.

  There’s nothing nice to walk around. In books I’ve read they always go for a walk in some kind of garden. It makes me laugh. This is the NHS. If they ever had a garden, by now it would have been developed on. It would probably be a car park. That’s what we walk past, car parks. Lots of cars on an endless search for space. Staff and visitors going into the small newsagents in the ‘village’. The psychiatric unit is a separate building but part of a huge hospital complex. All there is to see is an endless vision of concrete. However, I can tilt my head and view the sky, the clouds. It’s a cold day and I wish I’d wrapped up better. Xavier sees me wrap my hands around my body, removes his coat and wraps it around my shoulders. It smells of his aftershave with notes of cedarwood and vanilla. I hold it together with my right hand.

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘It’s worth getting cold, to see you outside. You seem different today. More yourself.’ He makes a short laughing sound. ‘Not that I really have much to go on with what yourself is.’

  ‘I feel more myself. I’ve not had a flashback in a week. The place is making me a little stir crazy.’

  ‘All good signs presumably?’

  ‘Yes. My psychologist is pleased. She wants me to invite Kara to a session, but I don’t agree.’

  He looks at me. ‘You have to face her at some point.’

  ‘I know. That’s not what I mean. I wondered if you’d just bring her with you. Like in a couple of days or something. I don’t want to see her in therapy. I want to see her normally, like she’s just visiting.’

  ‘She’ll be so pleased.’

  ‘Can you ask her to act normal around me? Like, not act like I haven’t seen her for weeks, which I know we haven’t but…’

  Xavier puts a hand on my arm. ‘It will be fine. You’ve been friends a long time.’

  ‘They’re talking about discharging me in the next couple of weeks. I have to come back regularly to see the psychologist, but I can go home.’

  ‘That’s fantastic news, Eden. It’s a big step for you though.’

  ‘I know. That’s why I wanted to come outside today. I’m going on a couple of trips out with my nurse. To a cafe and shopping. To get me used to the real world again.’ I point to an empty bench, ‘Can we sit awhile?’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘I didn’t realise how tiring walking around is. I guess I haven’t really been doing much physically.’

  ‘Except healing. Your body’s been mending itself.’

  I pull the jacket around myself tighter.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘It’s fine. I’m starting to accept what happened to me.’ I raise my head to the winter sunshine. ‘It's weird being outside. I feel like I’m in a greenhouse or something. It’s all a bit surreal.’

  ‘I guess you’re used to the hospital’s artificial light.’

  I bite on my lip. Pause for a moment. ‘Why do you come here, Xavier? Why do you bother with me? I’m a mess.’

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe I’m throwing you a pity party.’

  I rise, the coat falling off my shoulders.

  ‘That’s better. Are you over your pity party for one?’

  I give him a dirty look.

  ‘It’s good to see the spunky girl I met in the club is still present.’ He lifts the coat back over my shoulders. ‘Enough of the why I’m here to visit you. Why did this all happen? I suggest that when you leave here we do something very, very ordinary and unlike both of us.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘We go on a date. Start at the beginning and get to know each other properly.’

  I giggle. ‘Sounds like a plan.’

  ‘Then if we can cope with each other's completely fucked-up-ness, we might even have a second date.’

  ‘You’re not fucked up.’

  ‘That’s where you’re wrong. Which is precisely why we need a proper date. You aren’t the only one with issues, fair maiden.’ His hand hovers to his chest. I remember that below that shirt is a collection of tattoos.

  ‘Are you as fucked up as I am?’

  ‘I didn’t realise it was a competition but you probably win.’

  ‘Good. I’m a sore loser.’

  ‘I’m a close second though. Maybe in time we can trade stories?’

  ‘Maybe.’ I smile. ‘But first I want a proper date with wine and food.’

  ‘I know just the place.’

  We sit on the bench some more. The fresh air is biting but exhilarating. Xavier pops to the shop and emerges with a sharing bag of crisps and
two bottles of water.

  ‘I hope this isn’t representative of our first date.’

  He runs his hand through his fringe, moving it away from his face and takes a swig of his water. ‘Nah. There're no crisps then. I’m spoiling you today.’

  He lets me eat most of the crisps, a tangy beef flavour that makes my tongue smart in a really good way.

  ‘So will you go back to the flat with Kara?’

  ‘If she’ll let me. I’ve spoken to one of the social workers here. He’s helping me apply for some employment allowance and housing benefit. It’s not a lot but it will help. They’re looking into whether I can claim compensation for what happened too. It’s complicated because part of it happened in Tenerife. The compensation board will have to contact theirs. It will take some time.’

  I readjust the jacket, even though it doesn’t need it.

  ‘I’m trying not to think too far ahead but Kara needs to get back to her own life. I’m aware I can’t afford the rent on my own. So, I’m not sure what I’ll do then.’

  ‘Kara isn’t going anywhere at the moment, Eden. There are lots of possibilities. I think you need to cross that bridge when it comes. Otherwise, you will go backwards with your recovery.’

  ‘You sound like my therapist. Ever thought of leaving the estate agency? You’d be good.’

  He laughs and taps his head, ‘Fucked up remember. That’s how I know the platitudes.’

  ‘Oh.’

  I’m genuinely shocked to think Xavier has seen someone himself. I guess it comes from my first impression of him. ‘We really are well matched then.’

  ‘Yup.’ Xavier pinches the last crisp.

  ‘Hey.’

  ‘Come on. I’ll walk you back inside. You’re shivering and I’m bloody freezing.’

  I forgot he didn’t have a coat. His shirt button has come undone and I can see the edge of a tattoo. I point. He fastens it up quickly, looking uncomfortable.

  ‘How many do you have?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘The tattoos.’

  ‘Another time okay?’